I Am Small

I have a nearly completed post drafted about our beautiful experience in a sweet mayan village with Ruffina's family.  It was precious and we didn't want to leave, but I will save that for the next time.  

Tonight I just had something else on my mind.  It has been an interesting week. One of mixed emotions and a realization that life follows you wherever you go.  I started back into some old ruts and trivial thought patterns.  I began to think about all that I am not and overwhelmed by all of those that are.  There are so many amazing, brilliant, inspiring, world changing people out there and I began to feel the emptiness from being average. I can hear the reaction to this...some will want to rescue me from what they think is despair and convince me that I am not average, that I am "woman," full of beauty and strength, some will role their eyes (Jeremiah) and just think that I am looking for edification by using a sort of reverse psychology, and some will identify and liken to the feeling.  But I am honestly just being honest.  I am not great.  I yell at my kids.  I get lazy.  I seek out fulfillment in the wrong places.  I am mediocre at most things...in fact all things, but the story doesn't end there.

I sat tonight on the roof of our house in anticipation of the meteor shower and I felt infinitely small.  I looked at the magnificent sky as the clouds began to roll back as if putting out on display their finest jewels and I sat there in awe.  And there it came.  As if on the wind, this peace blew in.  The peace in knowing that I am small and insignificant in this big world...but I am known.  I am a sinner, but am forgiven.  I am a spec, but a spec that has the very breath of God in it.  I am ill-equipped for my job here, but I am trusted with the task.  I am lost, but I am found. I am utterly incapable of changing the world (I wouldn't even know where to start).  But I don't have to.  God has got this.  He created the stars and put to motion the workings of the universe.  His plan is bigger than the place that I live or the breadth of my time here.  He knows the future and the past.  No mystery is unsolved to him...he is the author.  Sometimes we just need to feel small.  Take it in.  Enjoy the privilege of watching the world from our particular vantage point wherever that may be...and love each other. Show grace, see the best in people, place others before ourselves, give even when we feel we have nothing, and be grateful.  Tonight I am grateful...that I happened to look up, that the clouds rolled away, and that my vision was corrected and my focus adjusted.  This life right now is not about me finding my purpose (that sounds so privileged and first world when put it in the light of my surroundings), but to love God and love others. period.

P.S.  I gave the kids a week off of writing their posts so look for them this coming week!  Also...I promise not to always write heavy reflective posts!!  We are loving it here and have so many awesome stories to share.  

-Heidi